Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I'm so tired

By Edward Copeland
As most readers know, either through references here or on Facebook, I am a bedridden man. I don't get to see first-run (or any really) films in a theater anymore. Because of other health situations in my family, I also have caregivers here with me 11 hours a day, 7 days a week, which doesn't interfere much with writing, but does with watching.

On top of that, a variety of concerns have made the ever-growing list of contributors in the left-hand column unable to pitch in so, though ideally I'd love to have at least one original post Monday-Friday, there are more and more blank days and I fear more are to come. New mysterious pains are hitting me and I find myself wanting to do nothing more than sleep when I can, further blocking my ability to watch things that I can then write about.

That's not even mentioning that I wanted to expand my contributors in the first place to free some time to work on a book while I still could. I'm coming close to a breaking point. The short reviews I manage to get out I know aren't of the quality I used to be able to do and the longer pieces I try to spend some time on aren't coming off much better. I'm starting to question the point.

Still, with the dark turn my life has taken over the past two years, this blog really is the only thing that keeps me going. Sure, I wish I got more reader comments, but what blogger doesn't? What worries me more is that my ego recognizes the decline in my own work and when I do produce something I'm proud of, it barely registers much more in the way of feedback than the posts I feel are just throwaway fillers.

As I try to gather more and more contributors to help me out, something difficult to do since this is a nonprofit place and no money is involved, hardships seem to be hitting everyone at once: Health problems, viruses that destroy computers, real life woes and just regular life. I know it comes off as selfishness on my part to expect this blog to mean as much to others as it does to me, but it's not an understatement to say that it really is one of the few things I have left that give me any semblance of joy.

With the new, unbearable pain hitting my legs and some other problems too disgusting to share with the blogosphere, this really is the only distraction I have left, yet all I want to do is sleep. When I sleep, at least until the pain wakes me up again, the pain is gone and outside worries such as fraudulent doctors and quickly diminishing savings, not to mention people in real life who turn out to be disappointments when they had renewed your faith in humanity, sleep turns out to be the only good. The more I sleep, the less time I have to watch anything, let alone write about them.

That doesn't even include the book I haven't worked on in months because I haven't had time or energy. I live in a strange paradox where I have nothing but time on my hands yet I don't have the time to get done anything I want to get done. It doesn't help that another birthday approaches this week and that April in general is a miserable month for me. T.S. Eliot got that one right.

This rant really serves no purpose, but if you see a dearth of new copy here, you'll know why. I need to write. I always have, but right now, I've neither the stamina nor the inspiration to do much beyond things I've already done in advance. I have the two discs of the international version of John Woo's Red Cliff sitting on my DVD player. Who knows how long it will take me to get to that or what kind of disservice it will do to the film since there is no practical way for me to watch it in one sitting.


Ed -- That's quite an honest admission there. I lurk around here, reading pretty much every post you put up, especially enjoying your recent BREAKING BAD post. Just wanted to leave a comment to say don't give up hope and keep the writing going, if you can do so, because I enjoy it.
Hey there, as a long time reader of your blog I'd be more than willing to lend a helping hand in terms of content if you're interested. Let me know. I thoroughly enjoy your writing and always look forward to reading your thoughts and views on films.
I'm not even remotely trying to compare anybody else's situation to yours, except to say that I think there are some universal emotions there that everyone can identify with. Frankly, I've been in awe of your output, which vastly exceeds mine; and the quality of it is better than you might think. Write when you can and what you can, Ed.
One or one thousand what does it matter. We've all been saved at some point in our lives by just one person. Thats all it should take, that all that should matter. God how many haven't had even the one.

You are not alone. People are listening. And if its any consolation what you write matters to this person.

- Mike
I was so happy a few months ago when you decided to come back from hiatus and continue this great blog. Your blog is one of only six RSS feeds that I have in my browser and although I don't often oomment, and you have no real idea who I am, I still read every post you put up here.

Just to give you a little sense of one of your readers, I am a graduate student of history at Rutgers in NJ, working on media and sexuality in postwar West Germany (among my great sources are sex education films from the '60s and '70s), although I come from Iceland originally. I have taken part of the Oscar survey for the last two years it was held and if you are looking for some writing for your blog, obituaries or anniversaries, I am happy to help. My strengths mainly lie in postwar German films and Ingmar Bergman, as well as anything on Icelandic cinema if it were to interest you.

I sincerely hope you can return to writing and do believe that you have a lot of readers out there. So all the silent readers out there, leave Ed a comment here. We all know he deserves it. Thanks!

Thanks for all the words of support. If my piece came off sounding as if I was complaining about a lack of comments, I apologize. That's not the main issue. It's my health and the situations surrounding it which have taken a toll on my stamina and the time to watch things the way I'd like to and to write about it with the quality I feel they (and my readers) deserve.
To Svanur: I would need some way to contact you if you are interested.

I was very touched to read your piece. I read your blog and so have been aware of the recent developmenets in your health; and I too am guilty of not posting comments very often. But you must keep writing. Why give it up, if it gives you enjoyment? And it's clear that it gives visitors to your site enjoyment too. I see no problem or reduction in quality at all; but that is beside the point. Keep writing, and watching.

Edward L.
Thanks Edward L. As I said in the comment above, it's not the lack of comments that has me discouraged and I feel bad if I left that impression, it's just the loss of time and stamina that my health situation has taken on me. What may make this worse is that since I wrote this, they've changed one of my medications which makes me sleepy even more of the time, leaving less time for watching and writing. I'm trying to hang in there and knowing there are people out there help. That's why I keep trying to add contributors to fill in the gaps between when I can post new things.
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